As a result of last week’s blog entry - Dear Dreamer - How best to cope with the wait for Mr Right! ( if you haven’t read it yet, well… You **** Up ), another very good writer & friend decided to give me a piece from her experience. I hope this inspires someone out there to be better.

Enjoy! & Share!

I am a young woman, writing in reflection of a relationship that while, some might say should never have been, as helped me re-define my expectations. I am not one often prone to regret, as I believe it is a waste of time and energy; for every situation, there is a lesson worth learning. The first of two kids from a comfortable family, while we are not swimming in cash, my parents do right by us in every way. I am however eternally grateful for making a strong, confident and fiercely Independent woman out of me. I am away from home, in a bid to better myself and my career, it does weigh on a person to be out of your comfort zone. So, when I met Mr W whom I knew from Lagos, it was quite a convenient alliance.He was supposedly single, seemed like a nice guy with potential, and seemed to want a relationship. As regards religion, he was a bit confused along with many kids from inter-religious marriages, but he seemed swingable to my side, a plus. Soon enough, he literally moved into my place, and I began my career as the ‘Ekaette’ girlfriend. I washed, cleaned, cooked and did girlfriend duties. Unfortunately, my Mister seemed to have forgotten all his boyfriend duties and it was up to me to pick them up as well. I was investing tremendously into this relationship; physically, emotionally and financially.

Issues:
He was spoilt, spent carelessly and really lazy. I was working to pay the bills, while my dear boyfriend was busy sitting at home watching movies day-in-day-out. He got a very healthy allowance from home that was finished before it even arrived. Ofcourse, he must keep up appearances, everything he owned was branded ‘luxury’ or at least ‘premium-priced’. I was soon having to bail him out financially in the things of true importance, while he splurged on himself. It was quite apparent that priorities were misplaced. Then came the insecurities and paranoia, for every good thing I achieved, he had a dampner. He would also go through my phones, ma BB messages,Facebook, WhatsApp etc and even mailing my chats to himself. He was soon driving us both crazy.The end of Us:
The last straw was telling me that I was not doing anything that any girl could not do. While I might have been foolish enough to spend 6 months of my life with him, I still was smart enough to refuse to allow my efforts to be so undermined. I was done taking shit, and as far as I am concerned, he was not worthy of my devotion. It is important to note at this point, that I am not trying to paint myself blameless in all these. I have my flaws, and I work at them daily, but, I was faithful and I gave it my best shot.

 

Eventually, I did realise some home truths;1. Don’t give too little of yourself, that you’re unremarkable, but never too much of yourself that you’re taken for granted. Giving too much of yourself as a woman doesn’t mean things would work out. It only means you begin to lose yourself and forget your true worth. And if the relationship ends, you are left with nothing but that self you betrayed.

2. If you ignore the people you love and love you back, i.e friends and family, for a relationship, they are the same people you run back to when there is trouble. Its best to keep these relationships well maintained.3. Potential without ambition is equal to Zilch… Nothing… Nada. So, when you decide to be with a person who has nothing but potential to offer you, make sure he is packing a very healthy dose of ambition and drive to back it up.

4. If you can’t live with it, don’t even take it in a relationship. If you can’t keep it up for the rest of your life, don’t start it in a relationship. Expectations are heightened in relationships, only to get a shadow of the bargain in marriage.5. Don’t stay in it longer you should, infact, better 6months than 1year. Why take a year to end something that could have been ended 6months earlier. Time wasted, to start a process you’re still going to go through anyway.

6. Contentment; be happy with what you have at the moment and live within those means, while you strive towards becoming what you want. Our generation is filled with discontent and greed, and there is too much value placed on material things. Material things can’t define us, only ‘You’ can define yourself.7. If he/she is double checking your every move, they’re either not busy enough, or think very little of you. I strongly believe that it is insulting to police someone like that. What do u take me for? I could be anywhere else, but I chose to be with you, so, ‘Suck it up!’

8. Don’t allow anyone emasculate you. You are good enough to do anything you want to do and no one as a right to tell you otherwise. If they thought so little of you and your abilities, why are they even with you?9. Enjoy and place great value on your life, time and the people who truly matter. There really is nothing wrong with being single, infact, it can be a very enjoyable state. Do things that make you happy, grow yourself; examine your flaws and try to make yourself a better person, invest in yourself and your future, read, learn and live.

Note: This article is in no way a bid to belittle the beauty of a ‘good’ relationship, it is only a reminder that a fulfilling singledom is quite achievable. This way, you appreciate that person who actually adds value to your quality of life. After all said and done, I came to the conclusion, that our environment; parents and society have contributed to making us needy and prone to being in relationships just for the sake of it. However, this is already a long spread, and as such, I will save this discussion for later.

Written by - @mo_shafar / Follow on Twitter

Blog by - @freakiChinedu / Follow on Twitter

I had a BB Status update up recently (can’t really remember how it was composed thought… ), reflecting how I felt about people ( especially the Ladies ) spilling their emotional guts. Like this action of telling us how you felt would miraculously wipe away the Real Life situation you are currently facing.

Apparently it inspired a Crazy Friend ( credits at the end) to write something directed at yours truly… An open letter to those guilty of this behavior; Everyone has someone that fits this personality on their BB! And hey, it could be you. Enjoy!

Dear Dreamer,

Let’s be honest. Very few people end up with their “dream” person. The dream man who is caring, sensitive yet firm and reliable, handsome but not vain, thoughtful, funny and loves your family. Hardworking and makes money but not a workaholic…..or the dream babe who knows who’s beautiful but not superficial, into trends and fashion but an individual, smart, domestic and discrete also……and yes lest we forget both dream man and dream woman must be “God fearing” too.

And assuming we do find this soul mate, how likely is it we also check all the items on their own “dream spouse” list? The double coincidence of want is really a bitch. But it gets worse, with rising unemployment, tough economic conditions, sexual preferences becoming more creative, and the general acceptance of “bastards” etc….people, men especially are less compelled to settle down, at least without the prospect of the union bettering their current status or post in life. A dwindling population of dream men and a rising population of available, literate and modern women leaves society on the brink of a catastrophe. What are we going to do?

Solving the husband drought isn’t the gist of this post. Helping ladies cope with the waiting period is the objective here. So this survival guide below titled, “how best to cope with the wait for Mr Right” is just a collection of thoughts and suggestions by me and does not in any way guarantee finding Mr Right. The aim is to help you maintain your sanity and deflect the pity looks colleagues, family, married friends with kids and church members will give you. 

So… Happy Reading!!!

1. Realize it is nothing to be ashamed of : people feed off the energy you give out. If you constantly feel your not being married is reason to be miserable then you will be miserable and then get the pity of people. If you recognize that marriage is not an achievement but a state you will become a functional individual with dreams and aspirations and will work towards them irrespective of tour marital state.

2. If you still need encouragement. Most of your married friends are unhappy. Between their in-laws, kids (or lack thereof), realizing they married Tunde or John and not Mr Right, and the fact that less than 1% of babes end up with the guy they really wanted to marry but settled for “the smart choice” or “the choice that made sense”. You need to realise that marriage isn’t all its cracked up to be. Ah! I forgot the girls who buy extra Mac foundation to conceal “domestic disputes”. In the Nigeria where husbands are cutting wives breasts off and stabbing their privates, be thankful you’re alive and can sleep with your eyes closed.

3. Completeness is more important than social conformity. Let’s face it, life is short and we were not put here to just marry! We are here to fulfill our personal potential, positively touch as many lives as possible and if the opportunity arises, marry and raise kids with the values we hold dear and true. But there is no fixed route to ultimate fulfillment, while you are searching, develop your talents. Help out as many people as possible, be a blessing. Stop focusing on being a part of someone else’s life when you haven’t got one already. That’s just dumb… and lazy!

4. Stop comparing: comparing yourself with Shade, Bisi, Lola and Ada is like comparing animals. Who says “a dog is better than a cow”? Animals serve different functions and have different skills, coping mechanisms and compositions. Just cos’ your friend is married with 4 kids doesn’t mean you’re behind, it just means she is married and has 4 kids. Individuals are as useful as the value they add. This is also a function of the natural God given talents, experiences, family etc.. just face your life and observe those of others. Learn, don’t Compare. Appreciate don’t Envy. Learn from Mistakes, don’t Judge.

5. Get a life: many Girls don’t do shit but “hunt for man” this makes you look less like the wife every guy wanted. Get a hobby, enjoy your job, join a charity, work in the church… Just Do Something! Invest in your life and not in Brazilian Hair. Brazilian Hair literally gets you Fucked. A fulfilled life gets you to the altar eventually.

6. Stop random Fucking and avoid chronic Single Girl cliques! No explanation required. Random fucks reduces your stcok price and hanging out with other single girls multiplies your individual desperation by the size of the group plus the degree of slutiness and ugliness of the other members.

7. And the most important, nothing is worse than hearing from a single girl “I Don’t bother myself bout marriage” / “I Don’t know why all my friends want to marry” / “I’m not desperate to marry” / “Gods time is the best” / “Why are guys so smug/arrogant/bastards/unfaithful” / etc…..just shut up! We both know better and even if you mean what you say, no one cares.

Blog Credit —-> Written by: @chu_bogu /// Light Edit: @freakiChinedu

And how you take one for the You-Team, is really up to you now innate :) #duh it’s Life!

Read the Full Post - http://post.ly/4vLrs (!F gets Serious )